“Me Time,” “Them Time,” And The Big Picture
Monday, December 14th, 2009
(Inspired by a comment I left on Stacey Shipman’s great post about me-time)
One common complaint I hear from people is that they don’t get enough “me time.” That is, they spend too much time doing things for others, and not enough serving their own wants and needs, and they feel tired and resentful as a result.
Yes, many of us could use a break to meditate, watch the tide roll in at the beach, play with the dog, or do something else to relax. And, I wonder if some of this “me time” problem results from how we tend to think about our day-to-day activities.
Is “Them-Time” Really All About “Them”?
Let’s look at the activities we tend to see as “them time” — as things we do for others rather than ourselves. Common examples include driving the kids to school, going to work in the morning, and cleaning the house. Our attitude toward these things tends to be “I don’t like to do it, but I will because others need my help.”
But are these things really just “them time”? Do we do them purely out of self-sacrifice, just to be martyrs? Or do we do them because, on some level, they fulfill our own needs and wants?
Take driving the kids to school, for instance. Yes, from one point of view, this serves the kids’ needs, because they need to get to school. But doesn’t it serve yours too? Don’t you want your children to get an education?
And how about going to work? Yes, you’re giving your boss, customers, or someone else what they want by showing up. But what about you? Didn’t you pick this career because you were interested in it? Or, at the very least, don’t you want the money and benefits this job gets you?
What I’m asking you to do is take a step back and look at the larger reason why you’re doing the task you’re involved in. What’s the bigger goal you’re trying to accomplish with what you’re doing? How does it serve your own wants and needs?
When we get back in touch with the larger reason why we’re doing a task, we reconnect with the sense of mission that drove us to the path we’re on in the first place, and that can be a great source of motivation. We can even feel inspired replying to e-mails and rearranging our folders when we’re in touch with the broader purpose behind those things. In other words, even the time we spend doing those tasks can become “me time” with the right mindset.
The Cost of Consciousness
Of course, there are reasons why many of us prefer not to look at the big picture. We’re afraid that, if we asked ourselves why we do something, we’d discover we really don’t know. We might learn that we have no idea why we’re working this job, why we care about cleaning the house, or even why we decided to create this family.
Because we’re afraid of what we might find out if we took the big-picture view, it can seem easier just to treat everything we do as “them time.” What’s more, when we view everything we do as an obligation, we get to feel like hard-working, responsible people (and maybe that other people owe us for our sacrifices as well). The trouble is that, when we think of everything we do as “them time,” we feel stressed and frustrated, and our energy level and relationships suffer.
My point is that whether something we do is “me time” or “them time” is often a matter of perspective. When you get back in touch with the bigger purpose behind what you’re doing, the sense of fatigue and irritation can fall away, and you can feel the inspiration that got you onto your path.
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 | If you found this post useful, you'll likely find Chris's book, Inner Productivity, helpful as well. Inner Productivity is packed with techniques to help you find focus and motivation in your work from a mindful perspective. |
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December 14th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I used to be very stingy with my time. My thoughts used to go “I, me and mine”. However, I found myself always in a state of struggle. Despite trying to save on time, I never got to have more time. As you’ve said, when we start to connect with a bigger perspective, we feel less separated from others. It no longer becomes “me time” versus “them time”. I end up feeling happier nowadays, more giving and willing to share. I also feel as if things just fall so nicely that there is really no rush!
December 15th, 2009 at 9:36 am
“with the right mindset” certainly says it all.
And I agree with Evelyn that “we never get to have more time” when we feel deprived of it so we must surrender to the time we have. As with most things, surrender leads to true freedom.
Do I always practice what I just preached in the above paragraph? Nope! But part of the journey is of trying to be aware of my thinking. For instance, my hubby just called and informed me a few minutes ago of a task that has to be done today. Inwardly I rebel a bit, feeling a small resentment in my tightening gut and chest. So how can I change my feelings towards this? I can grumble and procrastinate. Or decide that that the small and certainly not difficult “surprise” task is part of an overall plan for the Greater Good. And I want to be part of the Greater Good, do I not??!
So I shall put a smile on my face and head to that fun task now. it will only take 10 or 15 minutes. And then, once that’s done — who knows what wonderful things could happen in my life??
Smiling now, I go to it…
See my big smile… I reallyam smiling, and I feel a lot better already.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Hi Evelyn — I can definitely relate to what you say about never seeming to have enough time when time feels like something you need to protect. It sounds like you arrived at a perspective where you could see that a lot of the “them time” stuff you were doing was actually consistent with your own purpose.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Hi Jannie — yes, that sounds like a valuable moment, that instant when your gut is tightening up, to ask “will I serve a larger purpose by doing this?” When you find that the answer is yes, the sense that it’s just someone else arbitrarily bossing you around can fall away — or, of course, you might find that the task has nothing to do with your Greater Good at all, and that seems like useful knowledge as well.
December 15th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Hi Chris,
So…this is interesting to read right now. I have a volunteer position that I really don’t want to do, and have indicated I plan to step down in March, after we get through the busy part of what is involved in what I’m doing (running a basketball tournament). So – it feels very much like “them time”. As I reframe it, though, reading here – I can find “me time” in there. It supports my daughter and her basketball program, and I very much want to see her happy and succeed. And it supports my being able to help the basketball program in general, which fits well with my own desire to help others. This is really good, Chris! I’m feeling much more relaxed and okay with what the next couple of months will entail. Thank you!!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Hi Chris.
This is great; holding the perspective of the bigger picture is so important. Otherwise, then it does come down to separation; me, you, them, etc. The more separation, the more boundaries and the more a person begins to feel like a caged beast. Right on!
December 16th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Hi Lance — I’m grateful to hear that you found this article relevant to your life — it sounds like you felt inspired when you stepped back and took the big-picture view of why you were doing this volunteer work. I think doing that is a great antidote to those moments when we get bogged down in the details of our tasks and start wondering “why on earth am I doing this to myself?”
December 16th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Hi Davina — I like the caged beast metaphor, and I get the sense that’s how a lot of people are feeling about their schedules these days. I think the truth is that, no matter what we’re doing with our lives, we’ll always be faced with some kind of task that seems meaningless or boring on the surface, and so looking at the bigger context is important in every area of our lives.
December 16th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Hi Chris.
This is interesting and realtes for me to choosing.
You either choose the things you do or you do not and then get into trouble!
This shows me again to watch for going on automatic and then grumble about the things I find myself doing.
What you say here is to become aware and be aware that you are in charge of what you do and that makes for a powerful life?
There is no power when I hear myself complaining about why I have to do what I have to do, I feel really good when I feel I have chosen what I am doing.
I do have noticed that complaining and resisting tasks actually make me tired, interesting and so worth paying attention to, isn’t it? After all we are not slaves or prisoners but free human beings you would think.
It also gives me more self esteem, to feel I choose to do what I am doing, hmmm.
December 17th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Hi Wilma — yes, I can definitely relate to that experience — I feel more respect for myself when I see myself as choosing my circumstances rather than being a martyr or doing what I “should” do. The sense that I’m a victim and others owe me for what I’ve done really doesn’t compare to that.
December 18th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Very nice post and yes I do think it is a matter of perspective…it is me time as I am mindfully decorating the Christmas tree because I want to have my Children come home for the holiday and bring their friends and find meaning in the experience…nice reminder
I have put your book aside to prepare for 11 visitors for the next 10 days…I am enjoying it immensely, reading it on my KINDLE and planning on doing a review in January…very helpful in assisting me in sorting out what I have (assets) what is worrisome (unnecessary clutter) and where I need to pursue ( path finding) great clarity in the exercises. Thank you
December 19th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Chris, what an awesome post. As I read it I thought, “Yes, isn’t that so true that our egos are so narrow and limiting; they always want to create some sort of victim situation.” As you said, the bigger picture and reframing things does allow us a new view. Maybe a “better” view (although it’s all a matter of opinion).
This is really great and I may have to share it with a few people I know. Well done!
December 19th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Hi Patricia — it sounds like you’ve shifted your view of decorating the tree from an obligation to something you actually want to do, and this is serving as a source of motivation. That sounds like a very useful perspective.
I’m really glad you’re enjoying the book and I’m looking forward to reading your review — it sounds like you’ve really found some value in the book, and that’s definitely what I want to bring people with it.
December 19th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Hi Megan — I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Yes, I can definitely feel that sense of ego gratification whenever I find myself slipping into a mindset where everything I do is an obligation or “doing what I’m supposed to do.” It’s seductive but ultimately causes more suffering.
December 21st, 2009 at 10:11 am
Chris,
Excellent article! I agree it is a matter of perspective. You are very correct in the fact that many people choose not to be aware for they beleive that ignorance is bliss … if they only knew the real bliss that awareness brings!
December 21st, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Thanks Mark — I like that way of putting it — that it may seem easier for us to treat everything we do as “them time” and play the victim role, but it’s actually easier for us to take the bigger-picture view and let go of a lot of that suffering.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
We think that many of the things that we have to do is something that we can’t escape, but really we are making a choice. It’s these choices that we need to empower ourselves with.
Perspective is so very important. When we find a way to connect with what we have to do, we stop thinking of it as a “have to” and more as a “want to”.
December 25th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Hi Karl — yes, I think that expresses the point well, that seeing the things we do as ultimately our own choices is much more empowering than seeing them as obligations.