A Simple But Life-Changing Question: Are You In Danger?
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
There’s a simple question I’ve found it useful to ask myself, whenever I find myself getting stressed or tense, which is: “Am I really in danger right now?” When I do this, most of the time, I quickly realize the answer is no, and my body relaxes again.
This exercise has helped me see how many situations in my life I was unconsciously treating as life-and-death, when in fact they were nothing of the kind. Among other things, if someone criticized me, a magazine rejected my article, or I had an argument with a loved one, I’d find my shoulders tightening and my heart accelerating, as if I were facing a dangerous predator. Remembering that these situations usually don’t present a physical danger has brought a lot of peace into my life.
Some of the wonderful benefits of this technique include:
1. Let Go Of Your “Attachments.” Regularly asking this question, and experiencing the peace it’s brought me, has helped me understand what spiritual teachers mean when they say we tend to get “attached” to things in the world — our money, looks, intimate partners and so on. We start thinking about these things as if they were part of our bodies (literally “attached” to us), and that if we lost them we’d be hurt or destroyed.
Similarly, some of us get attached to the image we present to the world, and the risk that someone might see us differently starts to look like a threat to our very existence. If we’re deeply invested in having everyone think we’re happy, upbeat people, for example, letting the world see our anger or sadness can seem like a dangerous thing to do, even though doing that once in a while probably wouldn’t kill us.
We can tell we’re attached to something when our bodies tense up and recoil at the thought that we might lose it. Reminding ourselves we normally aren’t in physical danger when we’re at risk of not getting promoted, losing our relationship, and so on helps us let go of that attachment, and stay calm and composed in the face of challenges.
2. Handle Conflict More Easily. When we feel criticized or put down by someone, many of us automatically react by fighting — shaming the other person or trying to convince them we’re right. Or, perhaps we get so overwhelmed with sensation that we feel paralyzed. If we pay close attention to how we’re feeling in these moments, I think, we’ll notice a “fight-or-flight” reaction in our bodies, as if we’re in the wild and a tiger is approaching.
It’s not always easy to do, but if we can remember, in the moment, that there’s no real threat to us in most heated conversations, those conversations become far less stressful. When we aren’t so hung up on our survival, we become much better at listening to and staying loving toward the other person (and toward ourselves).
3. Explore New Possibilities. Another great benefit of this exercise is that it helps us try new things. When we remind ourselves the activity we’re interested in trying doesn’t really present a threat to our lives, we feel more free to explore and enjoy the world. I found this technique particularly useful when I started doing public speaking — taking care to remember that I won’t die if the audience gets bored or disapproves of me dissolved a lot of anxiety.
Our hunter-gatherer ancestors on the savannah probably benefited from seeing nearly everything they did as a life-or-death matter, because many of the things they did in their daily lives actually were. It makes sense that our nervous systems seem geared to perceive the world as full of threats around every corner. But today, although we don’t live in a danger-free society, it’s better for our health and sanity to remember we’re usually pretty safe.
Related posts:
 | If you found this post useful, you'll likely find Chris's book, Inner Productivity, helpful as well. Inner Productivity is packed with techniques to help you find focus and motivation in your work from a mindful perspective. |
Subscribe Via RSS/E-Mail.
You can also trackback from your own site.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I think in general we let ourselves get more worked up about things than we certainly need to.
It’s funny but this past year of reading blogs like yours has been my true soul education, so much amazing stuff on the net to help us learn new ways of thinking, and new consciousnesses — like just breathing and letting things slide…. Unless a proverbial piano is about to crash from 4 stories up . Thankfully falling pianos are really few and far between!
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Hi Jannie — I’m honored to be a part of your soul education. You’ve definitely influenced me too in learning to take my writing a little less seriously and enjoy it some more.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:51 am
I am so needing this advice right now about letting go of my attachments. I feel so attached to a dream that I fear it will get crushed. Guess I have to spend some quiet time in inner reflection. Thanks for the reminder!
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
Chris — As a person who gets stressed easily, I am always looking for ways to stop the cycle before it gets going and you just gave me a gift to do this.
Asking myself, “Am I in danger right now?” is such a simple thing to do and yet it is so POWERFUL. I love it. Thanks for this:~)
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:46 am
Hi Evelyn — that sounds like some powerful awareness, seeing that the fear stems from your attachment to the project you’re doing. I’ve certainly had moments where I realize I’m treating my project like part of my body, and my life depends on its success — and recognizing that seems like the most important step toward seeing the truth.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:51 am
Hi Sara — I’m glad this question has been helpful to you. As I’ve become more accustomed to asking it I’ve realized how many situations I’ve been treating as threatening, and it seems pretty funny, actually — as if, for example, I’m somehow in danger if I don’t get to the store before it closes. I wonder if you’ve had a similar experience.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
I received an email earlier this week about a problem at the networking organization I’m a part of. I responded with “No one is hurt. Consider it a learning opportunity for all of us.”
Can’t own it, although often we do (the attachment), making moving forward that much more of a challenge.
Great question to think about, though, as we often focus on things that are less important.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:31 am
Hi Stacey — “no one is hurt” sounds like a great mantra for those situations — because the default it seems is for people to act and think like they are! It all starts to seem weird when we simply think about it in terms of whether we’re still alive.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Love this question. thanks
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Hi Evan — I’m glad you liked it!
September 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Thanks Chris that is a simple yet powerful question. I’m going to insist that my 23 year old overly dramatic daughter ask it before she calls me for advice the next time. I also liked what you said about being invested in one image or another. It’s sure difficult to maintain the mask. Much better to do as you say, relax and respond.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Hi Tom — I hope she finds it helpful.
It’s true that this perspective strips a lot of the drama out of our lives, which people who happen to enjoy it may have a hard time dealing with.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Nothing like good ol’ mutual admiration and adding value to peoples’ lives!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:21 am
We’re all about mutual admiration in the personal development blogosphere. I suppose we could anonymously hate on each other as is done on the majority of the Internet but thinking up criticisms of people requires too much thought and energy for me.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Great question. It reminds me of what I ask myself, which is “statically, will I (or my kids, or my family, etc) be okay”…and 95% percent of the time the answer if YES.
September 5th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Hi Stacey — yes, I imagine this would especially be a calming question for parents about to get on airplanes with their kids and in similar situations.
September 6th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Chris .. this is a truly wonderful question.
So simple and so powerful. I’m asking myself this question right now (I’m feeling a bit stressed about an upcoming visit to the doctor), and it certainly is a huge help to get connected with here and now. Thanks so much for this!
September 7th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Hi Ian — getting connected with the here and now is a good way to put it, I think — so often we’re reacting to imaginary future danger and losing sight of our safety right now.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:30 am
It’s certainly an interesting question to ask oneself. Situations of family conflict spring to mind when I think about this just now, and reminding myself I am not in danger then – when I am not heard, for example – could be very beneficial. Thanks for this, Chris.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Hi Robin — yes, being with family members definitely seems high on the list of situations that put us in “survival mode,” and I think remembering that we aren’t in danger helps us to actually appreciate our loved ones rather than defending ourselves against them.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Hi Chris,
That’s a great question to ask, and it certainly changes the perspective of who we might think of as a big problem.
Another thing I will ask myself is, “what’s the worse that can happen”. I seriously try and figure that out and often realize “it’s not the end of the world” .
Great post, Chris.
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
Hi Barbara — I like that idea — really taking the question “what’s the worst that could happen” seriously, and recognizing that even the worst-case scenario usually isn’t a serious threat.