537 Ways To “Make” People Do What You Want Today!
Sunday, June 28th, 2009
I have to admit, I cringe a little when I see personal development products offering us the ability to “make” others do what we want. Whether it’s books about “making her attracted to you” or “getting him to commit,” CDs on “making your audience applaud” or seminars on “getting customers to close the deal,” there’s a ton of products with techniques for influencing others’ feelings and behavior.
I won’t get into whether these products are ineffective or manipulative. My main concern is that I don’t think they can deliver the happiness they promise.
Does Control Equal Happiness?
The assumption these products make is that, if you really did “get” another person to do what you wanted—go on a date with you, buy your air conditioning equipment, or something else—you’d find happiness or peace of mind. But is this really true?
Let’s look at something that tends to happen in intimate relationships. We often hear about one person leaving the relationship because their partner proved to be “too nice” or “too eager to please.” It seems that, as human beings, when our partner sacrifices their wants and needs to make us happy, we get bored.
In other words, when one person in the relationship becomes able to “make” their partner do what they want, they begin to lose interest. Being with someone who does whatever we want, as many of us know from experience, is not a path to happiness.
And how about marketing? Suppose you knew a magic word you could say to a customer that was guaranteed to “make” them buy your product. You could sell as many products and make as much money as you wanted. Would you be happy?
I suspect the answer is no. Another trait of human beings seems to be that we aren’t fulfilled in our work unless it challenges us in some way. (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
We Want Realness, Not “Results”
I think we usually prefer to interact with people who have their own personalities, feelings, wants and needs. That’s what makes relating between human beings interesting—the excitement (and, sometimes, the challenge) of finding out about another person. As I talked about in my “joy of listening” series, understanding someone else’s world can be a thrilling journey of discovery.
If everybody started thinking and feeling the way we wanted, we wouldn’t be able to experience that joy. Not that we’d prefer that everyone disagree with us or fight us all the time, but if they do agree with us, I think most of us would like it to come from what they genuinely desire, instead of a need to please or obey.
Because of the focus on “results” in our culture, we often lose sight of this. We tend to assume, consciously or not, that we’d find contentment if everyone else would just do what we want—if they’d start paying us the money or having the relationships with us that we desire.
When we realize this won’t bring us happiness, and we focus on enjoying the process of relating with people rather than what they do or don’t do for us, being with others takes on a joy and lightness we may not have experienced before.
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 | If you found this post useful, you'll likely find Chris's book, Inner Productivity, helpful as well. Inner Productivity is packed with techniques to help you find focus and motivation in your work from a mindful perspective. |
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June 28th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I am glad that you highlighted the points in this article. There is certainly no way we can compel another person to like us or do what we want. We can only change ourselves to alter our experiences or relationships with others. We should be looking inwards rather than outwards.
June 28th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Love that you ended the number in a 7, which is all the rage these days in info-marketing.
“”There are only 2 tragedies in life – getting what you want, and not getting what you want” – Oscar Wilde.
June 28th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Hi Evelyn — I like the way you put it about changing ourselves and the way we experience the world. I hope you had a great vacation by the way.
June 28th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Hi Duff — yeah, it would be very amusing if this proved to be an SEO masterstroke and tons of people found this post looking for “make him commit” and so on.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Realness not results is a wonderful rallying call. Just be real with me. Please just tell me what you really think and what your really care about. Great power in that Chris. Keep carrying this flag, thank you.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Hi Tom — I’m glad you appreciate that message and that you are spreading it with your work as well.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:03 am
Hi Chris – well my relationship with my partner stands a chance because he is very naughty and won’t do what I want him to do, then! Great points, as usual – R (I’m glad there weren’t really 537 “ways’ to wade through!)
July 1st, 2009 at 8:28 am
Hi Robin — yes, I hope I didn’t scare too many people away with the title. And then to top it off, I gave them zero “ways”! From what you’ve said about your relationship, it does seem like what the both of you are doing is working.
July 1st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Hi Chris,
I love this part, “we focus on enjoying the process of relating with people rather than what they do or don’t do for us,…” The journey of getting to know them and their authenticity is what brings me most joy.
Ah…537 ways? Catchy title.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:04 am
Thanks Barbara — I’m glad you enjoyed the post. It seems so important, but often overlooked, to me to enjoy the moment-to-moment process of whatever we may be doing, as opposed to just the result.
In self-help books and blog posts, we all seem to be competing for the largest number of “ways” or “keys” to doing something, so I thought I’d up the ante. But I guess I cheated because I didn’t actually offer any.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
LOVE the photo!
Well, I love what Tess said in her book – -it really stuck with me, that when you are giveing your absolute best at something – people can’t get enough of it.
And yes, I’m all about the process and getting to know my peeps.
And hey, Chris – it’s Jersey Day over here in Texas today! Yes, saluting the Garden State all day today.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:49 am
Thanks Jannie! And let me get all mushy for a second — I think your blog has actually inspired me to do sillier posts like this one. I’m happy to have you as a peep!
July 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
The focus on “results” has definitely led to heaps of suffering. The journey gets lost in it. And the moment, the present, the eteranl all-that-is is missed completely. Fabulous post, by the way. Really great.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Thanks Molly. That’s something I’ve been reflecting on lately as well — that each moment that I’m in the middle of doing some task (i.e., most moments of life), I haven’t gotten any “results” yet, and so fretting over that would be a surefire way to go insane.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I could use some (plenty of) work in this area. I tend to value efficiency above else and grow too easily frustrated when folks “sidetrack.” When I allow myself to find value in these sidetracks and stop focusing on whether what he or she is saying is getting us to the next action, I find myself rewarded with valuable insight that prevents backtracking.
Great post.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Relating vs results…that really hit home for me, too. It’s true. I do a lot of business networking, and while I have made some unbelievable connections and developed relationships I wouldn’t trade for the world, there are still more people who will not relate if you can’t do anything for them. It’s sad.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Chris, thank you for writing such a thought provoking post on a very important topic. After reading, I’m left with the feeling that I have a choice between realness and results. I’ll be honest, I want both. And I think that I can have both.
One possible definition of leadership is the ability to influence others towards a vision (held by the leader). In order to achieve this end, leaders could use manipulation to achieve the result. However, as you have correctly identified, people don’t like to be manipulated. Leaders who use this tactic may enjoy some short-term success, but usually fail in the long run. Also, a leader that chooses to manipulate his followers is showing a clear lack of respect for them.
In your relationship example, does a person really leave because their partner was too kind? Perhaps the real reason is because the partner was willing to tolerate such disrespectful behavior. Thus demonstrating that they did not respect themselves (definitely not an attractive quality).
The leader’s other option is to motivate her followers (rather than manipulate them). In order to motivate someone, you have to get to know what they want. This can be done with some of the other techniques you describe, such as listening and being real. When a leader is truly interested in the success of his followers, he can create a win-win scenario for both him and his followers. As Zig Ziglar says, “You will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.” I would argue that in this situation, the leader does find happiness by “making” her followers do what she wants.
I believe that what makes you cringe are products that advocate manipulation rather than motivation. After all, there are a number of books that promise to help leaders get what they want (and enjoy the resulting happiness), but which do not tolerate manipulative behaviors. For example, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People contains 30 principles for achieving that very thing. With principles like “Be a good listener–encourage others to talk about themselves” and “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point-of-view” I’m certain you’ll agree that Mr. Carnegie wanted us to achieve the willing cooperation of others without manipulating them. And his readers have been enjoying that challenge for almost 100 years.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Thanks for your comment Nelia. It sounds like when you let go of preconceived ideas about where the conversation is supposed to go, that’s when it starts to get more interesting and fun.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Hi Stacey — yes, business networking is definitely something that came up for me when I was writing this post as well. It would be nice if we (including sometimes me) could all take a deep breath and relax at those events.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Hi Chris – There is something about another person coming from a place of genuineness that makes them really attractive. We enjoy it when we see another individual who seems to be their own person. We do often think that if we could control more, we would be happier, you are definitely right. I guess we forget about the people that we truly enjoy being around.
July 9th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Thanks Amanda — I like the way you put it about remembering the people we naturally enjoy being around. I know I enjoy my closest friends for that reason — not because they can introduce me to some circle of attractive or powerful people, or help me get money, or something along those lines, but just because they fully bring themselves to our conversations.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Chris,
I really enjoyed this post. I liked the way you used a relationship to make the leap to “getting what you want” via work or marketing something.
My favorite line was, “Another trait of human beings seems to be that we aren’t fulfilled in our work unless it challenges us in some way.” I totally agree. If work was everything I wanted it be and I was always successful, there’s no doubt in mind that it would rapidly become boring. On the other hand, I would mind tipping the scales a bit more towards success:~)
July 9th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Hi Hank—thanks for your thoughtful comment, which is now free from the clutches of the spam filter.
What I hear you saying is that there’s nothing wrong with desiring a certain outcome in your relating with people—whether it’s wanting them to pay you money, wanting them to be your lover or friend, and so on. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting an outcome. What I mean to say in this piece is that many of us tend to assume that simply getting the “right” result in relating with others—whether we want him or her to marry us, our boss to give us a raise, our children to obey, or something else—would make us happy.
I think there’s another element of satisfying relationships with people, which I think you recognize too in talking about manipulation vs. motivation. We want the choices other people make in relating with us to come from who they authentically are and their genuine desires and feelings, and we don’t want them to say yes when they really mean no. If someone is willing to sacrifice who they are to please us, or if we can somehow induce them to do that, we won’t be content, no matter how wonderful the outcome we achieved—the money or sex or whatever we got—looks on the outside.
On the issue of listening, I think we also agree that, if listening to others is used purely as a tactic to achieve a certain outcome—getting someone else to feel cared about, for instance, so they’re more likely to buy our product—it’s going to feel lousy for both parties. But if there is genuine compassion there, I don’t think we need to give up all our desires and become monks or Buddhas for the interaction to be fun and uplifting.
Best, Chris
July 9th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Thanks Sara — heh, I like that way of putting it. And like I said to Hank, I think there’s nothing wrong with wanting more success in terms of wanting more people to sign up as our clients, pay us money, and so on — it’s just when the outcome is all we care about that we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.