I recently met someone who lives the interesting life of a software engineer by day and a guitarist in a rock band by night.  His band seems to be doing well—they’re well-known in the local area, and they just recorded some songs they’re planning to shop around to record labels.  My friend, however, has been more worried than excited about his band’s progress.  He told me he’s concerned that, if the band becomes widely known, it’ll hurt his job prospects as a computer programmer.  He’s thinking of leaving the band to stop this from happening.

I asked him how he imagined the success of his band would make it difficult for him to keep his day job.  His response was interesting.  To be honest, he said, the picture that came to mind when he started fretting about his band’s success wasn’t of prospective employers turning him down.  Instead, he imagined his college professors looking down their noses at him and snorting derisively when they heard about his music career.  Although his professors were long gone from his life, the prospect of losing their respect was still holding my friend back from pursuing his dreams.

My friend certainly isn’t the only one who feels blocked in this way.  Many of us—consciously or otherwise—are influenced by a desire to please and avoid antagonizing people who no longer hold any sway over our lives.  People who, on some level, are still trying to placate their parents, even though their parents no longer have authority over them, are the most common example.  But as my friend’s situation shows, all kinds of people we interact with in life can keep influencing us in similar ways.

Psychologists say that we’re “enmeshed” with someone when, like my friend, we see making sure we please them or avoid disappointing them as more important than our own goals and wellbeing.  As psychologists Erik A. Fisher and Steven W. Sharp write in The Art Of Managing Everyday Conflict: Understanding Emotions And Power Struggles, enmeshment happens when “[p]eople’s boundaries often become blurred and in the process, they become too involved with the other in the relationship and their energy overlaps or is subsumed in both parties. . . . A couple in an enmeshed relationship often tries to fulfill each other’s desires and dreams, rather than their own.”

Often, we aren’t even aware we’re enmeshed with a person in our lives, or that we’re holding ourselves back to avoid displeasing them.  We just have a vague sense that taking the necessary steps to go for what we want would be shameful or embarrassing—a feeling that “we just can’t” or “it’s just not done.”

Sometimes, however, we can discover that our self-limiting beliefs result from enmeshment by reflecting on where and how we learned it was “wrong” for us to pursue the goals we have in mind.  We can search our memories for people who may have told us that what we want to accomplish was wrong or impossible.  Or, we can simply notice which people come to mind when we feel anxiety about following our aspirations.

My friend, for instance, thought he was concerned that his band’s success would harm his job prospects, but on closer examination he saw he was actually worried about drawing his professors’ disdain.  Other people I’ve worked with start out with just a nagging sense that they “don’t have what it takes” to go for what they want, but on reflection they realize the goals they want to pursue were seen as unworthy or distasteful in their families.

How do we free ourselves from the enmeshments that keep us from achieving our goals?  I’ve found that just keeping ourselves aware of who we’re trying to please by holding ourselves back in life does much to free us from our attachment to serving those people’s real or imagined wants.

When we lose consciousness of the enmeshments that limit us, it seems as if we’re just “doing the right thing” or “obeying the rules” when we restrain ourselves from going after what we desire.  However, when we remind ourselves we’re not following some sort of moral principle or universal law, but just trying to make a specific person from our past happy, those beliefs’ influence over us weakens.

For instance, if you’re interested in making a career transition, but you’re anxious about it because you’re afraid of displeasing your parents, keep reminding yourself of the reason for your reluctance.  Say to yourself “I’m holding back from changing careers because I’m afraid my parents won’t like what I want to do.”  Keep yourself aware that you’re only restraining yourself to make your parents happy—not because it would be immoral or embarrassing to make the change you want.

In the light of our conscious awareness, our enmeshments tend to dissolve.  When we realize we’re restricting our progress in life for fear of disappointing others, we feel freer to let our restrictions go.  On some level, most of us understand that, although it gives us a nice feeling when others appreciate what we do, we’re not obligated to design our lives around pleasing and pacifying everyone else.

Related posts:

1. Whom Do You Need To Be “Better Than”?
2. Do You Have The “Personality” For The Career You Want?
3. Do You Need To “Justify” Your Choices In Life?
4. Is This All There Is?
5. Would You “Survive” A Career Change?