You Do Have An Impact
Saturday, October 17th, 2009 
More and more, I’m recognizing how deeply I affect the people I’m around–even people like coffee shop baristas whom I only talk to for a few seconds each morning.
This hit home again recently when I walked into the coffee shop, and one employee I think I’d seen only once before smiled and said “hi, Chris.” I don’t think I’d even told her my name, so she must have learned it as she was handing me my debit card receipt. I definitely didn’t know hers.
I wouldn’t have expected someone with whom I’d had such limited interactions to remember my name. I tend to assume I only stand out in people’s minds once I’ve had a “deep conversation” with them and learned their innermost fears and desires. But there this barista was, shattering my assumptions about the world with a simple hello.
When We Don’t See Our Impact
My point isn’t that I have a super-magnetic rock-star presence that compels everybody to take notice of me. More likely, I think, we all leave a stronger impression on people than we suspect, and I’ve just been finding this out for myself.
If what I’m saying is true for everyone, I think it can help us break out of a lot of old, limiting patterns in the way we relate to each other. Here’s what I mean. A lot of us walk through the world believing that, because most people don’t care about us, we’re not going to care about them. The world seems like a harsh place where all we can do is protect ourselves and take what we can.
For example, I think most people driving down the highway wouldn’t scream obscenities at another driver if that person was their closest friend. We wouldn’t treat a friend like that because we know how much we mean to them, and we wouldn’t repay their concern in such a way. But for many of us, when we’re dealing with a stranger, that “I mean nothing to you, so you mean nothing to me” mindset kicks in.
Another common limiting belief is that, if we chat with someone we don’t know very well, they might form all sorts of negative judgments about us. “Doesn’t this person have anyone else to talk to?” they’ll think. “What’s wrong with them?” And they’ll excuse themselves as quickly as possible and we’ll feel ashamed.
Being Responsible For Our Energy
It would help us relate in more fulfilling ways, I think, if we recognized how deeply we affect those around us. Our emotions by themselves — even if we don’t openly say what they are — can strongly impact how others feel. I’m sure you’ve noticed this in moments when you’ve been around a really joyful or miserable stranger — their energy is infectious, for better or worse.
And as for talking with “random people,” I’ve also made the shocking discovery that most people seem to like being talked to. Even if they’re frowning or grimacing, they usually brighten up when they see that someone is curious about what’s going on for them — or they appreciate a chance to share what’s bringing them down.
One of my favorite quotes by Jill Bolte Taylor tells us that we need to “take responsibility for the energy we bring.” If we all recognized how deeply the energy we bring to every situation affects others, I think we’d naturally give, and receive, more compassion and respect.
My Latest Radio Interview
I recently did my first radio interview on my new book, Inner Productivity, on Dresser After Dark with Michael Ray Dresser. The interview is short but sweet–in a mere 12 minutes, we cover weighty topics like the meaning of spirituality and relating with others at a level deeper than the mind. How’s that for “snackable” Web 2.0-attention-span-savvy content? 
Download the Interview Here (5 MB mp3 file; right-click and select “Save As” to download)
Related posts:
 | If you found this post useful, you'll likely find Chris's book, Inner Productivity, helpful as well. Inner Productivity is packed with techniques to help you find focus and motivation in your work from a mindful perspective. |
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October 17th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Congrats on the first radio interview – I am sure many more wonderful opportunities are coming your way
Now as for this topic – fantastic!
As a previous teacher, we know first hand that we have no idea just what an impact we are having on our students. Working with teens, we are lucky most days if we get a “hello” out of them. But then there are times and moments, very special ones, where one will tell you at the end of a class or semester what an impact you made on them. And honestly, moments like that almost made me want to burst out with tears of joy! Then of course there are the ones who start to grow up and somewhere run into you and share what impact you had on them and it just melts the heart.
The same goes for not just for blogging, as many of us have no idea what an impact we are having and on how many different people around the world – most whom we will never know. But for being anybody we are – every day.
It is as you said Chris, in a coffee shop even – we just never know whose life we are touching and how, and that is a gift I feel. Thus, how we project ourselves to the world leaves not only an energy, but it can really mean the difference between a “good” day or a “bad” day for someone.
And yes, wouldn’t it be nice if we all talked to each other more without feeling “weird”? I am going to be the first to say, I am no pro at this, but slowly I am trying – if only to make positive eye contact with a stranger to make them feel acknowledge, not just like some ghost passing by.
October 17th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I really enjoyed this post. You explained how we all impact each other. We are an intertwined group that needs to be more mindful of each other.
I felt like I was progressing as a commuter during rush hour. I was more relaxed then I fell back into old habits. I was waving my arms and talking to other drivers like they were idiots. I know that they don’t know that I am in a rush to pick my kid up from daycare. They are focused on their own driving.
Why the regressions?
Because I got away from thinking about the perspective that the other drivers are in and not just about my own outlook on the situation. I need to get back to being more relaxed and appreciating other people, not wanting them to drive the way that is easier for me. It makes it so much easier when I’m aware of the other driver’s needs and my needs and adjust accordingly. I can only control my own actions and allow myself to enjoy the commute for what it is.
Thanks for a such a wonderful perspective.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:17 am
I not only think we have a greater impact than we ever imagine – but that it’s really important to know it. We all need to be seen, noticed and to make a difference somehow with our lives. If we fail to see the impact we have then it can either lead to depression, stagnation or behaviour to get attention (which in extreme situations can be very destructive).
I had a great example of what you are talking about just today. I’d been getting a bit low in relation to my own blog – traffic not growing, comments dwindling. Someone approached me today to tell me how much inspiration she got from my site and she checked it daily. She was too shy to comment because English is not her first language. I was stunned … and encouraged to continue.
October 18th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Thanks for your comment Evita — what occurred to me as I read it was that the students may have been in the same boat as you — assuming that they were just another class to you and you didn’t care about them personally. I know I assumed that about my own teachers for a long time, until I talked to a professor to get a recommendation a few years after graduating from college and he actually remembered a paper I’d written. It feels sad to me that “I don’t matter to this person” is such a common assumption we make about each other.
October 18th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Hi Karl — yes, rush hour traffic seems like one of the biggest examples of what I’m talking about here. I think we often lose sight of how strongly we impact people, even in subtle aspects of the way we drive our cars (like when people tailgate each other, for instance), and if we stayed aware of that a lot of the abuse people give each other in that situation wouldn’t happen.
October 18th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Hi Ian — yes, I think it’s important to give and receive acknowledgment of the effect we have on each other — and doing that doesn’t even occur to many of us, or feels too scary. For example, I probably don’t acknowledge often enough how grateful I am that you all come by and comment on my blog and give me so much encouragement and appreciation. I’m glad to hear you’re getting that kind of acknowledgment on your blog.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Congrats on your interview!
It is amazing when we stop to think we are basically made of energy and that we can make such a difference with this energy. We can reverberate negative or positive vibes far out to distant galaxies, the choice is ours which route we take.
And I can totally relate to Ian’s comment about not knowing how our blog is affecting others, sometimes we just have to keep soldiering on and be happy we are doing our best.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
There’s a misconception among us that communication is only through conversation. What I’ve learned in my experiences is that our simple actions make an impression, in fact, much communicative than words. Communication can take in subliminal form.
October 19th, 2009 at 2:36 am
ha ha Chris – I bet you do have a “super-magnetic rock-star presence”. I like what you are saying – I think we do affect the people we meet. My partner and I chat quite a lot to people when we are out and about, such as at the coffee shop and shopping – it comes naturally.
Like Jannie, I was interested in Ian’s comment – I’ve been feeling flat about my blog lately, but then someone will say something really appreciative, and I feel encouraged.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Hi Jannie — yeah, blogging can certainly be an exercise in accepting that feeling of “I don’t matter” sometimes, hmm? That’s how I try to see it — as a personal growth exercise — and now that I’ve been doing it for nearly two years I can see the ways I’ve actually grown.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Hi Walter — yes, I think that’s a good point, that communication happens on such subtle levels — even more subtle than gestures and facial expressions and the things we usually think of as “body language.” Even if someone is standing perfectly still, there is so much we can tell about them if we pay attention.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Hi Robin — thanks for the vote of confidence. That felt refreshing to hear — that conversation with strangers flows easily for you. It sounds like you’ve worked through those issues we tend to run into around “but I might not be important enough.”
October 20th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Just the other day at a networking event one woman I never met came up to me and said “I get your newsletter, I love the inspiration each month.” Another woman said to me “When are you going to do another relaxation podcast, I loved your first one!”
I was stunned, to say the least. I had no idea.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, too. We have no idea, and often we make more impact than we’ll ever know!
Congratulations on the radio interview and I hope all is going well with the book sales.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:31 am
I loved reading this, Chris, and it came less than a day after I drove by a pond where a goose had landed, sending ripples across the water.
You put everything in this post perfectly (in my oh-so-humble opinion!). I especially liked this sentence, “And as for talking with ‘random people,’ I’ve also made the shocking discovery that most people seem to like being talked to.” I love talking up cashiers in the grocery store, asking them how their shift is going, or waiters in restaurants, making real connections and trying to access how they feel. Recently, when I stayed overnight in a hotel, I was in the room when housekeeping came by, so I talked to the woman like she and I were friends. She told me how she’d been very sick, and it was her first day back at work. We talked for 20 minutes, and when I saw her the next day, she remembered me and it was such a nice feeling to connect like that, in a strange city, with a new friend.
What an important post this is… I plan to share it with others!
October 21st, 2009 at 8:15 am
Hi Stacey — I’m not surprised to hear that you’re inspiring people, and I imagine it’s a rush to realize you’re affecting lots of people you’ve never met.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:22 am
Hi Megan — thanks for the appreciation. Yes, we’re all more like geese than we know, hmm?
I imagine it would be refreshing to meet someone like you in a moment when things were feeling difficult or out of control.
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:35 am
Hi Chris,
You sounded great on the radio interview. I am so happy for you. Also, I really enjoy this post. I think we all make an impact good or bad in this world. My goal is to make more good impact instead of bad.
Thanks for sharing.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:54 am
Hi Giovanna — thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed the interview, and you’re definitely making a positive impact in my book.
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:13 am
Hi, Chris -
I think you are right about our impact . . . and, it seems to be less about who we are and more about how we allow/encourage others to be in our presence.
Thanks for sharing!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Hi Marie — thanks for your comment — yes, I get the sense that our willingness to accept others exactly as they are is something they can feel, even without words.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Hi Chis. “I think most people driving down the highway wouldn’t scream obscenities at another driver if that person was their closest friend.” That has occurred to me many times. I guess depending on the person you know whom you consider to be a friend… you might still scream obscenities
But all kidding aside, I couldn’t agree more. Congrats on your interview!
October 26th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Hi Davina. Now let’s explore some more possibilities — what if it was your mother? But seriously, thanks for the appreciation.