How To Escape The “Chicken Or Egg” Mentality
Monday, June 8th, 2009
There’s a nasty mental trap we often fall into when we’re considering trying something new, whether in our business, our social lives, or somewhere else. I’m talking about what’s often called “the chicken or egg problem.” The way of thinking I mean goes like this: “I can’t do A unless I do B, but I can’t do B unless I do A. So I guess I won’t bother trying to do either A or B.”
I’ll give you a few examples from my own life. When I first got interested in doing speaking engagements, I faced what I saw as a dilemma. On one hand, I thought, I was unlikely to get many engagements unless I had a book to promote. But on the other, if I sent a book idea to a publisher, they probably wouldn’t take it seriously unless I’d done a bunch of speaking engagements and built up a “platform.”
There’s a similar example from my teenage years. When I started high school, I hadn’t gone to middle school with the other kids in my class, and so I didn’t have friends coming in. However, that wasn’t the painful part. What created suffering was my belief that no one would want to hang out with me unless I had other friends. But of course, I couldn’t have “other friends” unless I made some in the first place. (I’m noticing I feel a little embarrassed talking about my high school experiences, but I’ll leave it in here to expand my comfort zone. 
)
In both examples, it took me a while to free myself from the mental rut I’d fallen into. But in the end, I did, and I want to share some of the ideas I explored that helped me pursue what I wanted.
1. Realize That Others Have Been There. On the speaking issue, one realization that shifted my perspective was that every well-known author and speaker must have faced exactly the same problem. There was a time when every aspiring writer confronted the stark reality of having no book, speaking engagements, or “platform” of any kind. Yet somehow, they made do.
One example that immediately came to mind for me was Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of countless books offering what I’d call “self-help from a spiritual perspective,” and a role model of mine. Dyer was a college professor when he wrote his first book, Your Erroneous Zones
I suspect many in Dyer’s situation would have either given up and slunk back into academia, or spent years publishing magazine articles to build up credentials that would impress a publisher. But not Dyer—he self-published his book, quit his job, and toured the country in his station wagon selling his work to bookstores. The book sold so well that a major publisher picked it up and it became a bestseller.
With Dyer’s inspiring example in mind, I decided to self-publish my audio program, and I’ll do the same shortly with my full-length book. Obviously, they’ll soon be bestsellers too, right?
2. What Would Happen If You Did? Like I said, one assumption behind the “chicken or egg” mindset is that we “can’t” do A unless we do B first. When we’re stuck in this mentality, one question we don’t often think to ask is: what do we really mean by “can’t”?
My isolated, unhappy first year of high school drove me to seriously consider this question. What I realized was that my belief that I “couldn’t” make friends without already having them was wildly exaggerated. After all, it’s not like it was physically impossible to ask someone to be my friend without already having a big social group—I wouldn’t need to defy gravity or travel back in time.
So I asked myself: what am I actually afraid of? The answer that came up was that what I really feared was others’ disapproval. I was worried that, if I tried to be friends with someone, they might call me a “loser” or otherwise ridicule me for not having “enough” of a social life. And when I understood this, I saw there was actually very little to be afraid of. Getting put down might sting a little, but I strongly doubted it would kill me.
This simple shift in my way of thinking expanded my sense of freedom to meet people, and I started coming out of my shell (a process that’s still ongoing today ).
3. Focus On The Gifts You’re Giving. Somehow, this whole “chicken or egg problem” seems to magically disappear when we take our attention off all the suffering we’ll supposedly cause ourselves and others by doing what we want, and focus on what we’ll contribute to the world with our efforts.
Take my experience with giving talks. When I took a close look at what I was really afraid of when it came to booking speaking engagements, what I discovered was that I was worried I’d be “bothering” the event planners I wanted to call. My attention was entirely focused on the inconvenience I’d supposedly cause people by asking them to have me as a speaker, and none of it was on the gifts people would receive from my talk.
When I took a moment to remember the service I wanted to offer others with my workshops, suddenly the whole dilemma of “I need a book to be a speaker, but I need to be a speaker to have a book” disappeared, and booking engagements seemed like the obvious and natural thing to do. It’s funny how our concerns can seem so “logical” in one moment, and then become trivial when we get into a better mood.
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 | If you found this post useful, you'll likely find Chris's book, Inner Productivity, helpful as well. Inner Productivity is packed with techniques to help you find focus and motivation in your work from a mindful perspective. |
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June 10th, 2009 at 6:21 am
I really like this post, Chris! I know so many people who don’t allow themselves to do what they want, because there’s some imaginary obstacle they have to overcome FIRST. There’s never really a “have to” (as in, I have to have a book before I become a speaker … great example) except for within our perception.
Do you think people use this chicken/egg scenario as a giant excuse NOT to shift outside of their comfort zone?
Blessings,
Andrea
June 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Thanks Andrea — yes, I’ve definitely seen that tendency to create imaginary obstacles in myself and others — it’s amazing how rational these obstacles seem until we actually take a close look at them and ask what we’re actually afraid of.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I’ve also made the mistake of building my expectations too high then being afraid to tackle the challenge. My parents had to constantly encourage me to do extra curricular activities during my teenage years.
When I moved out of the house I had to be the one to encourage myself. It took many years of battling my fears, but I’ve grown stronger over the years and now I’ll try almost anything just for the experience.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Thanks Karl. I can definitely relate to that feeling of “if I can’t do it perfectly, I shouldn’t bother doing it.” It’s always remarkable to me how much we can accomplish when we stop expecting so much from ourselves.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I appreciate the suggestion to ask oneself “What’s my real fear?” That cuts immediately to the chase.I look forward to putting that question into play…
June 12th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Hi Nelia — that’s definitely a powerful question — for me, drilling down to what you’re really afraid of by continually asking “what’s the worst part of that?” has been a great method for doing that.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Hi Chris
I am working my book as well, and I am interviewing 100 chinese american women as a part of my book. I have contacted some famous chinese american woman, and sometime I get the chicken or the egg answer. For example: Connie Chung was open to talking about an interview until she asked, “What other book have you published?” I answered the question and also listed many successful writers who self published their first book (Dyer inculded) Can you guess the answer from Connie Chung?!
I left it as, I am going to keep interviewing chinese american women and may be as I move along. May be it will come the right time for Ms. Connie. Her office said, “It is possible. Good luky!”
I got the same treatment from some other big name as well…
None the less, I keep moving forward and doing my interviews. I am going to have 100 interviews with or with Connie Chung, after all, it is my book. It has nothing to do with those big name. It is about my work and 100 Chinese Women.
Keep pressing forward my friend.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
June 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Hi Giovanna — thanks for your comment. I’m excited to hear about your book and I look forward to seeing it. You can just have Connie on the accompanying PBS program after the book becomes a bestseller.
June 14th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I find that “focus on the gifts you’re giving” is all I need to think of when I falter on my path towards total enlightemment. Great reminder, thanks!
June 14th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Hi Chris. I have to agree with Jannie. Focusing on the gifts helps me to step out of my own way… just by considering the impact on others. Reading that segment lit me up.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Hi Janster — that sounds like a worthy goal. It’s like Frank would say — when you’re enlightened, it’s no good unless you’re enlightened . . . aaaall the waaaaay . . .
June 15th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Thanks Davina — I’m glad keeping that in mind is helpful for you. I know that remembering that I’m actually doing all this to serve someone else is a great practice for me when I get caught up in self-limiting questions like “do I have the credibility to say this?” or “am I going to annoy people with this?”
June 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Hi Chris,
I love this post! It strikes a chord with me (one that I don’t always want to admit…). So, I’ve been there, maybe to a degree I’m still there, working on getting over these ideas of I can’t have A unless I have B and vice versa.
This came up recently when I decided I wanted to write a book. And then I struggled with why someone would want to buy my book, what made me qualified to write it. Through the help of a very wonderful coach I’m working with – I’ve really come to embrace that if I really believe in this (and I do) then it’s most definitely something I should be doing. Being in this mindset has really helped me to focus on what IS possible!!
Best to you, Chris, in all your endeavors! The road ahead is a great one to be on, for all of us…
June 16th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Thanks Lance. Yes, I found myself not wanting to admit it either as I was writing.
That’s awesome to hear that you’re focusing on what you want instead of what people will think, whether you “deserve” to write it, and the similar mental hangups that I think usually bog people down. I look forward to seeing the final product.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:18 am
I like the one with ‘focus on the gifts you’re giving’. It’s something we can certainly do today, without having to blame either chicken or egg for not being the first to be there.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hi Jocelyn — heh, I liked the way you phrased it as not blaming the chicken or egg. Thanks for the appreciation.
June 21st, 2009 at 4:55 am
These are great points, Chris. The chicken or the egg syndrome is a way to keep us stuck in that fear and that gets us nowhere fast! I really do believe it is the belief in your work that takes you where you want to go. Wayne Dyer believed in his so he kept going. I know of another author, local to my area, who self published a novel, driving around with copies in her car, no publisher wanting to sign it because of the topic (about early onset Alzheimer’s). A publisher eventually did pick it up and her novel ended up on the NTY best seller list.
You have to believe in what your sending out..those gifts, as they’ve been called here and not worry so much about the other people.
June 21st, 2009 at 8:28 am
Hi Stacey — I loved the self-published author story — it shows how important it is to keep the faith that if you’re inspired to offer something, there’s somebody out there who will be inspired to receive it.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:04 am
Hi Chris,
I’ve heard the story of Wayne Dyer and love his tenacity. I also love the story of how he also went to every PBS station in the US to spread his word. Such an admirable man.
Your #2 reminds me of how I’ll often ask myself, “what’s the worse that can happen?” Just realizing it’s not all THAT bad often is just what I need to take that next step.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Thanks Barbara — Dyer is definitely a hero to me as well. I’m glad questions like the second point give you some perspective — I know recognizing that nothing I do is likely to cause me to be annihilated is a useful way to get motivated again.