The Joy of Listening, Part 5: There Are No Rules, Only Requests
Monday, May 11th, 2009Earlier in this series, I wrote about how we can stay attentive and compassionate even when we’re listening to an angry or critical person. In this piece, I’ll offer another perspective that’s useful to keep in mind in emotionally charged interactions. The perspective is this: there are no rules for what you “must” or “should” do. There are only the wants and needs of human beings.
This perspective is helpful in the context of taking criticism because, when people are critical, they usually phrase what they say in terms of what we “should have done,” what we “were supposed to do,” and what we “did wrong.” Some examples most of us have heard at various times in our lives include:
* You should have asked me before you did that.
* You weren’t supposed to do that.
* You really screwed this up.
* No, you will do what I say right now.
This kind of language implies that there was a clear rule for what you should have done, and you broke that rule. And I don’t just mean a “rule” made by your parents, your boss, the President, or any other person. I mean an objective, self-evident law of the universe, like “A equals A” or “objects in motion tend to stay in motion.”
Of course, this isn’t true. For example, suppose your boss barks “you were supposed to BCC me on that e-mail, not CC me.” You obviously didn’t break any laws of nature by CC’ing your boss. As far as I know, God didn’t hand down any commandments governing how to copy people on e-mails. But most of us in this kind of situation still react as if we did violate some universal moral principle. Our bodies tighten up, we feel angry or ashamed, and we start apologizing or defending ourselves.
Translating Criticism into Nonviolent Language
Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication
To go back to my earlier example, for instance, a boss giving nonviolent criticism might say something like “I wanted you to BCC me on that e-mail.” This way, he makes clear that he’s upset because you didn’t do what he wanted—not because you violated some eternal divine law.
Unfortunately, most people we interact with aren’t familiar with nonviolent communication, and would probably have a hard time seeing the value of using it. However, understanding this style of communication can still help us to hear criticism without freaking out or closing down. This is because, when someone offers negative feedback, NVC helps us remember that, no matter how they phrase their accusations, what we’re really hearing is their unmet need or want.
In other words, whenever someone criticizes us, it’s helpful to ask ourselves “what need or want are they expressing with what they’re saying?” And when we figure out the answer to that question, we can mentally translate what the other person is saying into “nonviolent” language. I’ll illustrate how we can do this with the typical forms of criticism I listed above:
* “You should have asked me before you did that” becomes “I wish you had asked me before you did that.”
* “You weren’t supposed to do that” becomes “I didn’t want you to do that.”
* “Why can’t you do anything right?” becomes ”I want you to do what I ask.”
* “No, you will do what I say right now” becomes “I want you to do what I ask now.”
When you try this out in the real world, I think you’ll notice how spotting the need or want beneath what the other person is saying has the interaction feel less provocative and threatening.
What’s more, if you happen to be in the habit of replaying in your head criticism you received in the past, this can be a deeply healing technique for you. Take the demeaning words the other person used, and locate the unmet need they were really expressing. When you understand that the words you were fretting over were nothing more than someone else’s statement of what they wanted or how they felt, the words may not seem to cut so deeply anymore.
Of course, this approach isn’t guaranteed to make all our interactions calm and pleasant. Many of us still feel anxious or defensive when another person gets angry, no matter how they express their anger to us. However, when we remind ourselves we’re simply dealing with an angry person expressing their unmet needs, and we haven’t broken any universal laws, we can go a long way toward helping ourselves stay composed and receptive.
The Joy of Listening, Part 1: Overcoming The Barriers
The Joy of Listening, Part 2: Empathic Reflection
The Joy of Listening, Part 3: Staying Empathic
The Joy of Listening, Part 4: Setting Boundaries
Related posts:
 | If you found this post useful, you'll likely find Chris's book, Inner Productivity, helpful as well. Inner Productivity is packed with techniques to help you find focus and motivation in your work from a mindful perspective. |
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May 12th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Hi Chris
also a good way to bring empathy into a stressful conversation.
Thank you
Juliet
May 12th, 2009 at 3:50 am
Hi Chris
Very interesting. I like you how restate some common criticisms. In my experience it’s even more powerful if I can the need of mine as well.
So for example
“I wish you had asked me before you did that.’ plus “because I need involvement in things that affect me”
or
“I want you to do what I ask now.” plus “because I need support”
Adding the need gives more clear information about the reasons. It’s also helpful to immediately follow up with an enquiry such as “How is that for you to hear?”
May 12th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Good post Chris. This further clarifies how each of us only see things from our own perspective. There is you view, my view and what actually occurred. When we understand that others are biased towards their own screaming needs communicating gets more reflective and hopefully more productive.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Hi Juliet — good to see you again (or whatever we should call communicating via blog). I’m glad you found the post useful.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Hi Ian — thanks, I agree that adding the specific want or need when we’re giving criticism makes it even clearer that we’re talking about our own request rather than “the way things should be.” It’s also food for thought when we’re trying to get a sense of the need someone else is expressing when they’re giving us feedback.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Hi Tom — thanks, I think that’s a useful way to put it. I find this kind of communication so useful in coaching for that reason, because it helps people see that they are coming from a particular perspective on the world (like “I have to please everybody,” “the world is against me,” and so on) and that it can be different.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Hi Chris,
These are excellent points to learn from and I especially enjoyed reading your solutions.
It is so true, so often we talk to each other, whether positive or negative, like we all “know”, “belive”, “like”, etc. the same thing. But we are over 6 billion individual and unique units and we are all allowed to express our diveristy no?
Hence we do have to understand that what works for one, does not for another and we should be “VERY” clear in how we communicate. It can really make the difference for someone between an empowered feeling or a shattered self-esteem.
Thank you!
May 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Thanks Evita — I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Yes, I think understanding that we’re viewing the world from our own unique perspective, rather than seeing things “as they are,” is one of the most key realizations we can have in our personal growth.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:04 am
This post provides very helpful suggestions in reframing. We often get too caught up in reacting emotionally rather than think objectively about what need is the other party really communicating. Your examples clearly showed me how to turn the negative statement into a positive or more objective one. Thanks!
May 14th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Thanks Evelyn — I’m glad you found the post helpful. I like that way of putting it — when we remember that we’re just having a conversation between two human beings, and we’re not on trial for violating “the rules,” dealing with conflict becomes so much easier.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
BCC? That’s a new e-mail term to me.
The next time my boss whacks me over the head with a 2×4 I’l be sure to calmly ask myself “what need or want is he expressing right now…?”
Not making fun of you , of course. These ideas evoked the possiblitly of a Saturday Night Live kind of skit. Maybe with Will Ferrell, who has just gone through some Nonviolent Language Training, being the pummeled one.
Great post, of course, Edgar!
May 14th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Thanks Jannie. It may take a couple of encounters with the 2×4 but eventually I think your boss will realize you’re the next Gandhi and be suitably respectful.
But seriously, I think what you said is a good reflection of how many people feel when they’re been criticized — like they’re being hit or they’re about to be killed — and just being aware that we’re reacting as though that’s happening can help us relax a little in these kinds of situations.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Yes, we all have wants and requests, but sometimes we can’t word it properly and it can be even offensive to others.