Do you pay regular visits to yourself?
Don’t argue or answer rationally.
Let us die,
and dying, reply.

– Rumi

In college, I spent a lot of time—in fact, probably too much time—studying.  But even after my reading for school was done and it was late at night, I’d usually do some outside reading or journaling.  I called those moments my “sacred time”—remarkably, I came up with this name even before I went all spiritual and new-agey.    Any reading or writing I did during this time was purely for serving and understanding myself, rather than to please my professors, parents, friends, or anyone else. 

Those moments were some of the most memorable and rewarding of my college days.  I still do this today, and in working with others I often recommend they spend at least a few minutes of each day alone with themselves—whether they’re meditating, or just sitting in silence.

It’s hard for some people to understand why I’d advise spending time by themselves.  “I’m already lonely,” some people say.  “What I need is to find more people to be with.”  Or perhaps they feel frightened when no one else is around, and they have trouble seeing why I’d want to put them in a scary situation.  When I talk to these people, my sense is that, although they may be spending time alone, they aren’t using it in a way I would call “quality time.”

Non-Quality Alone Time

This is because their attention is not really focused on themselves when they’re alone.  Instead, they are being self-conscious—basically, fretting over how other people see them, and suffering over all the ways they aren’t getting others’ approval.

For instance, maybe they’re worrying about issues with the boss, how their significant other seems to be pulling away, how they can’t seem to relate to their children, or something else.  Perhaps they’re even concerned that others will think they’re antisocial or “losers” because they’re sitting by themselves.  When we’re self-conscious, in other words, our opinions of ourselves depend on how we think others see us.  I don’t think Rumi had this in mind when he recommended “regular visits to yourself.”

Another way we often spend our alone time is to fill it with distractions—to watch TV, surf the Internet, switch on the stereo, or find some other means of electronic companionship.  But we aren’t really being with ourselves in these moments.  We’re merely using our computers and other appliances as substitutes for other people—perhaps because we’re too tired to deal with real people’s wants and needs in those moments.

So What Is Quality Time?

What, then, do I mean by quality time with yourself?  To my mind, it’s about getting to know yourself—what you really want out of life, what’s important to you, which people you deeply cherish, and so on.  For example, you might ask questions like:  is what you’re doing in your work, your relationships and elsewhere in keeping with your vision of how you want to live?  Are you taking care of yourself in the ways you want and need?  How is your body feeling in this moment—does it feel spacious, tight, warm, or something else?

The importance of our own wants and needs often gets lost in the shuffle as we struggle to meet our work, family and other obligations.  By giving thought to questions like these, you get accustomed to treating yourself, and your feelings and wants, as significant—or, we might say, to valuing yourself.  As psychologist Vicki Berkus writes in Ten Commitments to Mental Fitness, “just checking in with yourself lets your subconscious mind know that you count, your feelings count, and your thoughts count.”

At a deeper level, I think, our minds and bodies thrive on receiving our attention.  Just bringing our awareness to what we’re feeling in our bodies is a deeply loving act.  If we just take a few moments to notice the sensations in our hands, for instance—perhaps a tingling, warmth, pulsing, or something else—we experience a calm and focus that’s unfamiliar to many of us.  In these moments we are, as Rumi puts it, acting as a warm, welcoming “guest house” to whatever sensations arise within us.

So, to me, quality time with yourself just means paying close attention to what you’re feeling, thinking and wanting.  It’s kind of like treating yourself as an honored guest in your home—making yourself comfortable, and getting curious about how things are going for you.

Review Of Productivity From Within

I pointed this out earlier to my newsletter subscribers, but I wanted to make sure you’d seen the recent review of my book, Productivity From Within, by Judy Clement Wall of ScribeGirl.  It’s a thorough and helpful introduction to the book, and I hope you enjoy it.

Related posts:

1. Finding Optimism By Being In Awe
2. Work Consciously Audio Course Now Available
3. Sample From The Work Consciously Audio Course
4. Finding Compassion Through Selfishness
5. Your Inner Productivity Questions Answered