For many years, I was tormented by memories of uncomfortable events from my past.  I’d find myself constantly reliving arguments I had with others, breakups of relationships, disappointments in my career, and so forth.  The painful part of these memories was what I’d feel in my body as I rehashed them in my mind.  I would feel an unpleasant tension and heat in my upper back, right below my shoulder blades.

A disturbing part of my habit of reliving difficult events was the sensation that I was choosing to do it.  I had this feeling in the rare moments when my mind would be completely silent, undisturbed by thought.  When my mind would go quiet like that, I’d be able to tolerate it for a little while, but then I’d start feeling strangely uneasy.  To relieve my unease, I’d start searching my memories for something—anything—to break the silence.  Invariably, it seemed, I came upon memories of unpleasant events and replayed them in my mind, causing more physical discomfort.  It was almost as if I was addicted to mentally hurting myself.

How, I wondered, did I develop this habit?  Why would I want to dig up these unpleasant memories and create tension in my body?  The answer came to me one day when I was meditating.  When I meditate, I breathe without pausing between my inhalations and exhalations.  This approach gives me a warm, peaceful sensation in my abdomen and back.  The experience of feeling my body from the inside—of feeling the “inner body,” as some spiritual teachers call it—helps to calm me and hold my attention in the present moment.  It can also be quite blissful.

I noticed during that meditation that the warm sensation was filling the area right below my shoulder blades—the area that tensed up when I’d mentally rehash a painful memory.  This was interesting, because most of the time I was numb in that area.  It was only while meditating, and beating myself up over the past, that I felt sensation there at all.

Then an intuition hit me.  What if I was reliving painful memories because I wanted to have more feeling in that area of my body?  What if, by replaying difficult events, I was trying to access my “inner body,” and experience the peace and focus I’d felt during meditation?  Maybe I had such a strong, unconscious desire to access that peace, and to feel more of my body, that I was hurting myself to achieve those goals.

I decided to test this theory the next time I found myself replaying uncomfortable events from my past.  When I had one of those moments again, I closed my eyes and fell into my meditative breathing pattern.  After a little while, I connected with my inner body, feeling a warmth radiate out from my abdomen, through my chest, and into my upper back.  As I’d predicted, the difficult memories began to subside until they disappeared from my awareness.  When I accessed my inner body through meditation, I no longer needed to dredge up unpleasant memories to feel myself from within.

This was an exciting realization for me, as I’d wanted freedom from my painful memories for a long time.  I continued to practice entering a meditative state whenever I’d remember difficult events.  Eventually, I became so accustomed to quickly accessing my inner body that I stopped needing meditation to do it.  Whenever the bad memories came up, I could instantly connect with a deep sense of peace, and the memories would dissolve.  This helped me kick my addiction to rehashing the past.

If you’re constantly plagued by uncomfortable memories, I invite you to try a similar exercise.  Notice where you feel the pain or discomfort in your body when you relive the events.  Then, do an exercise or practice that causes you to feel sensation in that area.  As I noted, meditation using the “circular breathing” I talked about earlier—a technique I learned from Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process—helps me connect with the part of the “inner body” that my difficult memories stimulate.  You might also try physical exercises that cause you to feel more inner sensation.  Qi Gong, which is specifically intended to put you in touch with the inner body, is a particularly good example.

You may observe that, when you take up more practices to feel your inner energy field, the need to dig up unpleasant events begins fading away.  And as you experience the inner body more often, you’ll find that accessing it becomes easier and easier.  You don’t need to rehash painful memories to connect with your inner body—you can do it in far more peaceful and empowering ways.

Related posts:

1. You Are Not Your Memories
2. Are You “Apologizing” With Your Body?
3. Switching Off The “Mental Radio”
4. Sample From The Work Consciously Audio Course
5. Is Guilt Good For You? (Part One)