I have a simple question for you.  Are you involved in your current career, relationship, and other activities because you actually find them fulfilling?  Or is it because you think they’re the best way to avoid others’ disapproval?

Unfortunately, for many people, the answer seems to be the latter.  Many of us picked our career paths because they looked safe and thus unlikely to frighten or displease our loved ones and friends.  Many of us are in relationships with people largely because we think those people are likely to appeal to our families.  And so on.  The possibility of others disliking our choices is too unbearable to accept, and thus we’ve selected whatever activities we think others are least likely to criticize.

What’s most insidious about living to avoid criticism is that it seems perfectly natural because, in various ways, we’ve been doing it all our lives.  As children, we cleaned our rooms, went to bed, went to school, and so forth because, if we didn’t, our parents would disapprove and punish us.  We certainly didn’t do those things because they brought us satisfaction.  Today, as adults, it’s easy to fall into the trap of simply continuing on the same path, and letting the fear of others’ disapproval drive every choice we make.

This approach to life causes us much suffering.  Even though we aren’t always conscious that we’re living to avoid criticism, being out of alignment with our callings and desires gives life a bland, uninspiring quality.  We wake up early in the morning, suddenly wondering why in the world we chose this job, relationship, or some other aspect of our lives.  We drag ourselves through our days, suppressing our dissatisfaction with caffeine, alcohol and perhaps stronger drugs, wondering why our bodies seem to be fighting us every step of the way.  We feel resentful toward our colleagues and partners, assuming that their failings, rather than our own decisions, must be the reason for our malaise.

Ironically, living to avoid others’ displeasure also makes others worse off.  Each of us, I believe, has unique, natural gifts we can bestow upon the world in our vocations, in our relationships and in our other pursuits.  By ignoring our true callings and desires, we deprive the world of the full benefit of those gifts.  And when we design our lives to avoid criticism, we bring a flat, lifeless quality to our interactions with others.  When others ask what’s going on with us, we respond “nothing much”—and our answer is an accurate expression of our feeling of emptiness.  Needless to say, this doesn’t make us pleasant or uplifting to be around.

If you feel persistently dissatisfied with what you’re doing in any area of your life, it may be because you chose the activity out of a desire to avoid others’ disapproval.  If you did, however, you won’t necessarily be conscious of that fact, because—as I said earlier—you may have become so accustomed to living to deflect criticism that it seems like the only possible approach to life.  If you ask yourself a few simple, targeted questions, however, you may become aware of the truth.

First, ask yourself who is likely to criticize you if you stop doing the activity you’re doing—if you leave the job, relationship or other aspect of your life that you’re dissatisfied with.  Is it a person you love, trust and respect?  If they didn’t like your decision, would you be able to live with their disapproval?  If you can’t accept the possibility of displeasing this person, you are probably staying in your present situation to avoid their disapproval rather than to fulfill your own needs.

Second, if you determined that you are remaining in your current job, relationship or other activity to stave off someone else’s disapproval, ask yourself what would happen if that person did disapprove of you.  Would they say nasty things to you?  Would they abandon you?  Or perhaps unrealistic or exaggerated consequences come to mind—for instance, maybe the first answer that comes up is that you would die if this person didn’t like your choice.

Understanding what you’re afraid would happen if you earned someone else’s disapproval is critical to managing that fear.  If you don’t know what specifically you’re afraid of, you can’t make an informed decision about whether to make the transition you want in your life.  But if you do know, you can consciously weigh the happiness you’d gain by making a change against the pain you’d feel if someone else were unhappy with you.  And often, when you have some idea of the effect another person’s disapproval would have on you, it doesn’t seem so frightening.  After all, if someone else—even a close friend or family member—were displeased with one of your decisions, life would still go on.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should never be concerned with the impact your actions have on others.  But surely there are at least some areas of your life where it’s okay for you to make a choice that someone else may dislike.  Examples, at least to my mind, would include your choices regarding your career, the number of children you have (if any), your sexual preference, and the hobbies you enjoy.  I think you’d agree that you aren’t somehow obligated to make decisions about those areas of your life in constant fear that someone else—even if it’s your parents—might disapprove.

The question I posed at the beginning of this article is a sobering one to consider, and it’s one that many of us would rather avoid.  But if you want genuine, lasting fulfillment in your career, your intimate relationships, and other areas of your life, it’s an important question to ask yourself.  If we can get past living to avoid displeasing others, we can finally come to understand what we truly want, and maybe even what we’re here to do, in our lives.

Related posts:

1. Life Is Too Short—But So What?
2. Living In The Now Dissolves Shame
3. Do You Need To “Justify” Your Choices In Life?
4. Is This All There Is?
5. Are You Distracting Yourself From Living?